Live & Die; Laugh & Cry

Hi, it’s been long.

And so it goes, some changes have been made in my life since my last update.

Piano – Merit for Grade 7, moving on to Grade 8. Finallyyy.

Cello – Involved in a chinese ensemble performance with about 5 others very randomly. Otherwise no progress, or even worse. Will be learning under a new teacher in November.

School – Finished all assignments for one module. In the midst of doing 3 more. Grrr. Otherwise nothing much.

Weight – Grew fatter, if you haven’t realised. =/ But if you do, keep it to yourself! Heh heh.

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All well, the main highlight of the month would be my 4-day clinical shadowing with a palliative care nurse in NUH. She’s the only one whom I admired most thus far and aspired to become.

All 4 days tagging along with her had been the best time of my clinicals, as I observed how she communicated with dying patients and their family members and discussed the plan of care with them.

The choice of words she used was carefully uttered with a great ounce of sensitivity and tactfulness, and most importantly with sincerity and love too. Patients whom she had never encountered, could open up to her so easily.

All these talks about death and dying had been thought-provoking and teary for me (but didn’t drip down), especially with crying family members or helpless patients. I admired how my nurse maintained her professionalism even in sticky situations where words were insufficient.

We encountered a suicidal patient who found no meaning in life anymore in view of his progressive cancer disease which was causing him much pain. My nurse explained to him that pain was easily manageable and tried to divert his thoughts to things in his life which could bring him joy and hope. She also mentioned that all of us will eventually die, but it’s the way we die that could affect how others would remember our passing and cope with the grief.

There was also another brother who desperately wanted to donate part of his liver to his sister who was diagnosed with breast cancer which had metastasised to her liver and other parts. He poured many questions to 2 palliative doctors and was told repeatedly that it made “no sense to do so” as her cancer cells had already entered the bloodstream. Furthermore, a liver transplant is a major operation which would further lower her immune system and could even cause both of their lives.

Life and death issues right in my face.

I had a revelation of what it means by the phrase “every day is a gift”. This thing about “gifts”, I would think that it’s not merely a passive process of giving and receiving. How would anyone like it when we give someone a gift enthusiastically only to be received with nonchalance???

Likewise, I think that when God gives us the privilege to live another day, He’d also want us to embrace the day with fullness of joy and gratitude, and perhaps with a “YIPEE” when we wake up lol. And of course I believe He has a purpose for giving us each day, as He has for everything He does.

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

See See Look Look

Sometimes I don’t know to close my eyes or look to the sky.

I’m often fascinated by stuff  in the sky – clouds, stars, moon, sun, rainbow (if I’m lucky), lightning, kites, birds, planes, whatever. I think the sky contains so much magic in it. It’s so alive, yet not.

The wonders and boundlessness of the sky make all troubles seem insignificant, like tiny specks of dust which just happen to land onto your life, and ever so ready to take off somewhere else again.

However, all being said, the sky is like a make-believe world, where clouds hang like marshmallows, where you can find a pot of gold at every rainbow’s end. It’s an instant temporary escape from the harsh reality, where you’ll eventually find yourself back to square one again.

~~~

On the other hand, when I close my eyes, I see darkness. I feel my innermost thoughts skyrocketing straight from my heart into my brain. Sometimes, it is too much to bear, the influx of thoughts and overwhelming emotions manifest themselves as tears, trickling down my cheeks.

Issues become magnified as my field of vision becomes narrower and more focused. Sometimes, the things I see or imagine scare me. Big time. It is so unnecessary. Sometimes, the heaviness weighing down on me makes it so hard to even open my eyes, and all I see are those looming troubles.

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Then I’ll be reminded of this beautiful song

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of the earth
Will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

It always brings tears to my eyes, knowing that God knows, and He cares. There arises a quiet sense of security and assurance, even in the midst of chaos and disarray; and a sense of empowerment knowing that God is in partnership with me in every battle. There is nothing too big that He, thus me, can’t handle together!

~~~

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Romans 8:37

Amen!!! ^^

 

When Music Speaks

I had an incredible spontaneous urge to compose a song the other night, out of the overflowing love I received last week from family and friends alike. Moments like this are hard to come by, and I knew I had to do it there and then.

I find bathrooms especially inspiring, probably because of the constraint space and hence less distraction. So naturally that was the place I went to get it started. I managed to come out with 2 stanzas and I pretty liked it since they’re words straight out of my heart.

I then had a bath (so convenient) and went back to my piano to put sounds into the words. I must say I really like it ^^, though it composes of really simple melodies and rhythms in F major. Took a mental break on my laptop, followed by the chorus.

By the end of 2 hours, the song looked kinda complete and I was very pleased. ^^ Self-entertainment to the MAX. ^^

It goes like this…

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Verse 1

My heart is filled with gratitude
Of the unselfish love you gave
It’s a special kind of love
Which asks nothing in return

Chorus

It must have been a miracle
It must have been from up above
It must have been a priceless gift
Sent way down into my life

Verse 2

I have thought through and mulled over
All the deeds that I might have done
It’s hard to come up with one
When there’s really none I did

Chorus

~~~

After looking through, I realised it can also be a worship song to God too. I was really very touched and blessed by the song… It brought tears to my eyes when I sang it. I don’t really know how to say, but it didn’t seem like I was the one who composed it.

The previous song that I wrote was also very spontaneous, it arose during an insomnia in the middle of the night (about 3am?) a few years ago. I remember the entire process of creating the melodies and lyrics took less than half an hour, like in a snap of a finger.

Fearing I might lose the entire song by accidentally sleeping, I quickly took out my handphone and recorded it.

It goes like this…

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Hold on tight unto Jesus
He will never let you go
In the rough waves of your life
Know that He is in control

Jesus reigns above all storms
You don’t have to be afraid
Look to Him and He’ll be there
Beside you and through it all

~~~

I love this song a lot… Like the latest song, it has very simple melodies and sounds more like a children’s church song, very cute. ^^

Sorry I’ve been raving about the songs… I’m just biased right. ^^ But honestly speaking, I don’t feel like they’re MY songs, but rather songs put into my heart by God, to bless myself and the people who hear/read it.

This is probably God’s kind of therapy for me, for my down days. ^^ My ultimate dream is to perform music therapy for others in the hospital, especially in palliative care, for patients with terminal/chronic illnesses. I hope my songs/music is able to bring healing, hope and joy in people’s souls.